Understanding Your Sexual Energy and Sexuality

Sexuality is a nature in us, as beings of life-energy, and, like every aspect in us, this nature also requires conscious balancing to ensure that we experience, and express, sexuality in a manner that’s aligned with wisdom along with enjoyment/appreciation of the same. As I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, there are 6 natures, or dimensions of thinking, in life-energy – Love, Joy, Hatred, Fear, Boredom and Sexuality. As a being, you cannot do away with any of these natures and finding an inner balance requires you to bring an aware understanding towards each of these natures, in you, and from this understanding let go of any imbalanced resistance/suppression, or over-identification, towards them, thus allowing for a balanced expression to become the norm.

The journey towards finding conscious balance is a very “personal” journey, and every “body” brings a unique challenge, or opportunity, towards finding this balance. It doesn’t matter how mature/enlightened you are as a soul (possibly having the experience of several lifetimes) you can still find it challenging to work with a human body, in conditions of physical living with other humans, especially when the body comes with its own imbalances (acquired from a gene pool) or when it comes with some specific physical make-up that makes it challenging to function within the “fixated” views of the society.

I get several emails and comments concerning the aspect of sexuality and sexual energy, and I would like to address some common themes here; this post would be mostly focused on gaining a balanced perspective/understanding of the various nuances of sexuality and the deal of finding inner freedom, and thus finding inner balance, towards sexual expression. Finding inner freedom is the foundation towards finding inner balance – without freedom you cannot align with wisdom, and without wisdom you cannot find a balance. When you are in a “bondage”, either out of fear-based suppression or over-indulgent identification, there is no space for wisdom and you are purely motivated, and pulled around, but your “imprisonment” – it doesn’t matter what excuses you make to justify it to yourself. And, this is true for all the 6 dimensions/natures in life-energy – you can be a prisoner to love, to hatred, to fear, to sex, to boredom or to joy. Finding inner freedom from all the 6 dimensions is the pre-requisite to finding an inner balance (and thus connecting with a balanced expression/experience of these dimensions/natures).

It’s very important to understand that inner freedom is just the “foundation”, it’s not supposed to be the “end-point” – a lot of spiritual teachings confuse people into believing that finding inner freedom is the end-point of some sort, and hence propagate some ambiguous pointers on “detachment” as some ultimate goal. Inner freedom is simply a foundation towards balanced living, it gives you the required “ground” to start enjoying the expression of your nature in a balanced manner.

The subject of sexuality usually entails the following aspects of discussion – sexual orientation/preferences, sexuality combined with relationships (expressions like monogamy, polygamy, polyamory and open-relationships in general), masturbation or self-pleasure, celibacy, kinks/fetishes, spiritual sex and sexual hang-ups.

Understanding sexual orientation

There is very common tendency to mis-understand sexual preferences with “relationship orientation”. For example, being gay/homosexual is not just a sexual preference it’s a relationship-orientation in a human. It’s very common for people to mis-understand homo-sexuality with bi-sexuality mostly because both the terms contain the word “sexuality” it’s assumed that both have to do purely with sexual preference, which is not really the case. Being gay is not just about sex, it’s also about emotions, it involves your “heart” – a gay person has the make-up to fall in “love” with another person of the same sex wanting expressions like emotional bonding, marriage, family, etc, just like regular couples (“Lesbian” in the true sense is a woman who is gay). A gay man/woman would feel the same tingling emotions of love, in his/her heart, towards a person of the same-sex, just as a straight man/woman would feel towards a person of opposite sex. Bi-sexuality, on the other hand, is simply an expression of sexual exploration based on curiosity, or need for an adventure or entertainment, as a preference. Just because you have a bi-sexual encounter doesn’t make you gay.

The fact is that all humans have the capacity to “explore” bi-sexuality, if they want to. They’ve even come up with a term for it called “being bi-curious” which means you are exploring out of curiosity to understand what it feels like. The human mind is naturally curious, and inquisitive, and it’s natural for it to feel curious about aspects of sexuality, and sometimes the curiosity takes the form of a real-life exploration. Of course the degree of inclination towards exploring bi-sexuality varies from person to person, just like how sex-drive varies from person to person. In many cases, a person with a high sex-drive is also someone who has a tendency towards exploring bi-sexuality as means of adding “diversity”, or variety, in their sexual experience, or simply as a means to get a new high – of course, this is not true for everyone with a high sex drive, it’s just a general tendency. Even if you have a high degree of inclination towards bi-sexuality it still doesn’t make you gay because you are relating purely from the aspect of sex and you don’t feel emotional love, or desire for an emotional relationship, with your sex partner – just to give an example, some men who explore bi-sexuality often state that they get grossed about cuddling (or even french kissing) with another man and they are only interested in the act of “raw sex” without the romance.

As I mentioned before, all humans have the capacity to explore bi-sexuality if they decide to do so – this means that you can develop an interest towards exploring some aspects of bi-sexuality in the future, even if you don’t have it now. It depends on many things like your curiosity, external influences like your friends or media (for example, if bi-sexuality is made popular in the media, then you will notice people exploring it more from the “fascination” of it), your circumstances (for example, men end up having sex with other men in conditional situations like being in a prison), your sex-drive, your beliefs etc. So, in that sense, bi-sexuality is an expression that may or may not be explored, depending on various factors. However, being gay doesn’t give you that kind of a choice. It’s ridiculous when some schools of thought seem to imply that being gay is a choice and that the people who are gay are “sinning”, or that it’s not “right”, and that they should use their will-power to starting desiring the opposite-sex – such statements imply a deep ignorance about human make-ups. And you don’t have to be gay to understand the makeup of a gay person, inspite of being a straight guy I have an understanding of how the make up of a gay person works purely through the attitude of “open observation” – an aware individual can easily obtain deep understanding about different make-ups, and mindsets, purely through the capacity to observe without judgement.

In fact, the sexual orientation and relationship-orientation dynamics of “transsexuals” is far more varied. Most transsexuals are bi-sexual (desiring sex with men and women, as well as other transsexuals) but their relationship-orientation is varied, some prefer relationships purely with men, some feel an equal emotional attraction towards men and women, some are only attracted to other transsexuals, while some have no specific preference with respect to the sexes. One can imagine the challenges of being in a transsexual body where you have to navigate purely on your own self-understanding along with handling the constant pressure of being different from the majority. You can see how the aspect of sexuality, in a human body, can allow a soul to have the experience of growing in self-awareness and developing the courage to stand true to one’s individuality in the midst of pressure to conform.

To ridicule someone for their sexual orientation, or sexual preference, is rooted in a lack of awareness about human makeup, and also a lack of open-mindedness towards the fact that we are diverse in expressions. Life is all about diversity of expression and experience, it doesn’t follow a redundant path rather a path of varied expressions. To be cynical, fearful or intolerant towards diversity, and differences, in others, puts you in a “karmic relationship” towards that aspect, in that you will then need to go through a similar expression in order to balance your perspective (for example, a person who has a lot of hatred towards homosexuals may end up being born homosexual during another incarnation just to understand that aspect and also to experience what it feels like to be on the receiving side of the hatred/intolerance). An inner freedom is about having a deeper perspective towards all the various expressions of life-energy, in all its diversity, without developing a narrow judgment about it. Of course, some imbalanced expressions need to be controlled/curbed through external regulation in the name of wisdom (for ex, expressions that curb on the freedom of others, like rape) purely from a place of being objective.

One may question if pedophilia (desiring sex with a child) is a sexual orientation, or a preference, or if it’s just an imbalanced sexual expression. The way I see it, a child is someone who is yet to have a clear sexual awareness, who is yet to have the physical/mental ability to make “independent choices”, and hence, for an adult, to involve a child in a sexual act is purely an act of “force”, and thus is an act of exploitation. In a state of balance one does not partake in actions that exploit others, and hence pedophilia, from this perspective, is an imbalanced sexual expression – I don’t see it as a sexual orientation, it’s a preference that’s rooted in imbalance. Of course, it’s true that in the animal kingdom pedophilia is a common occurrence, especially among certain species like pigs, but that doesn’t make it a balanced act, in fact a lot of imbalances exist in the animal kingdom because of low-awareness functioning. A human-being functioning at the level of an animal (without the capacity for deeper emotional intelligence), purely driven by physical drives, is prone to imbalances, and his/her actions would need to be regulated through external force (like law and order), in the name of wisdom, for the sake of maintaining harmony and protecting the freedom of others.

Whatever be your sexual orientation, or sexual preference, you must understand the basic principle of balanced living which is that you can’t force your will upon someone – non-censual sex is an act of severe imbalance.

Sexuality combined with relationships

When I use the term “relationship”, in this context, I am referring to the one involving an emotional bonding (a heart connection). An ideal situation would be to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar (or close to similar) sexual nature as you do unless you are willing to “adjust” with the requirements of your partner as a conscious choice on your part. A lot of sexual frustration can ensue when you are in a relationship with a partner who does not share similarities with your sexual nature – for example, if you have a low sex drive and you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has a high sex drive it can easily lead to feelings of resentment, while also being interpreted as a lack of love or care. Sexual compatibility does play an important role in ensuring a harmonious “monogamous”, long-term, relationship.

Of course, not everything in life fits into the “ideal” bracket. It’s very possible that you feel an emotional bonding with your partner (and possibly even a sexual compatibility) but also desire to explore sexual expression with others. Under these conditions it can be a very difficult decision to make on whether to pursue your desire for polyamory (multiple sexual partners) at the cost of ruining the emotional bonding you have with your partner, or to let go of this desire as a conscious choice towards cherishing the value of the emotional bond that you’ve found. Balanced decisions always involve an understanding of the light and dark nature consequences of following through with them – remember that every reality is bound to have a light side and a dark side, there is no reality that’s exempt from it because this is the very nature of life. Of course, to make balanced decisions you need to have a sense of inner balance; from a mindset of imbalance you are more likely to choose temporary “joy” over long-term wisdom. To let go of a certain desire, in a bid to cherish a more important desire/priority, is not really a sacrifice/compromise it’s just a part of living from conscious balance. The fact of life is that you can’t have it all (that would be too light-natured), you will always have to function from understanding the limitations of a choice, and every choice comes with its own set of limitations.

Also, in a state of balance you will naturally always stand true to your sense of integrity and responsibility – this sense of operating from values is an essential nature of anyone who’s operating from a place of inner balance. From the place of integrity you will not choose to do something in the “hiding” where the hidden information can have an impact on the decision/preference of the person involved. For example, let’s say you are a married guy, and you make the choice towards being polyamorous, now, from a place of integrity, it would be important that you convey this choice to your spouse, simply because your choice is bound to affect her decision on whether she wants to continue staying with you or not – it’s possible that she may be okay with you exploring your choice, or she may ask you to make a choice between being with her or pursuing polyamory, or she may leave you shocked at the very idea that you contemplated such an option, whatever be the outcome the deal is that you are not “cheating” on her by keeping your choice hidden. Of course, you don’t have to declare your choice to all your friends and family, since your choice does not directly impact them, but it does impact your spouse’s decision to be with you, so in the interest of integrity it’s important to convey it to her.

One can argue – “what if my partner has a low-awareness level and hence is incapable of understanding my choices, does it not make sense to pursue my choices in the hiding to ensure he/she does not get hurt or does not leave me because of his/her narrow thinking?”. It’s a question of perspective, and I can only provide my perspective on this, and the way I see it is that, if maintaining a sense of integrity is important to you then there is no getting around the fact that you need to disclose your choices if it’s bound to affect the preferences/decisions of the other person involved. To do something in the hiding, from this person, is what “cheating” is, and cheating can never be an act of integrity irrespective of what your justifications are for it. Of course, I am talking about the things that you do while being in the relationship, the things that you did before the relationship are not really accountable, and you need to use your wisdom on whether you want to disclose all aspects of your past or not – what you were in the past may not be the person you are now, and hence the past doesn’t have as much value/relevance as what you are doing in the present. The deal of reality is that a relationship that lacks integrity eventually loses its spark, its connection and bonding, you can call it the “karmic influence” or simply a subconscious sabotaging.

There is also a question of “responsibility” and, in truth, it falls along the line of integrity. Some decisions are just evidently irresponsible under a given situation. One needs to have a balance between being selfish and being self-less, in other words, one needs to have a personal commitment while also being balanced in a commitment towards the outside well-being. A balance between being selfish and self-less is a part of inner balance/wholeness, and is an essential pre-requisite for being responsible without being victimized. You are not here purely for the purpose of “enjoyment”, you are also here for developing values, for growth and for finding balance. Enjoyment is an aspect of light-nature which needs to be balanced with aspects like staying true to integrity and responsibility which can be labeled as the dark nature (like a spoiler for the drive towards indulgence). We all have a sense of what’s the “responsible” thing to do, more so in the state of growing awareness, and in some cases what’s responsible may not be what’s “enjoyable” in that moment, and one needs to develop the balance to incorporate this aspect of living in oneself. A simple thumb rule would be that if your action is creating “undue” suffering for someone then it’s very possible that it’s lacking the essence of responsible behavior.

A lot of these “positive thinking” or “get what you want” (using law of attraction et al) type of teachings seem to focus too much on the selfish aspect and very little on the other-side of balanced perspective (requiring a self-less aspect) thus giving a skewed picture on living purely for the sake of enjoyment at all costs, thus creating an imbalance towards light-nature which is bound to create consequences imbalanced in dark nature. There is a difference between “wholeness” and living purely for “bliss/joy” – wholeness is a balance between the light and dark, whereas the term “bliss” implies an imbalance towards light nature. In terms of sexuality you can pursue any preferences that you may have in terms of monogamy, polygamy or open relationships, provided that you also integrate the essence of integrity, and responsibility, while working on a conscious choice based on understanding the light and dark consequences of your actions.

Understanding the deal of masturbation or self-pleasure

There is a lot of stigma attached around masturbation owing to some fear-based, or narrow, teachings propounded from a place of feeling guilty about pleasure. The fact is that in the state of imbalance one is bound to have an inner conflict between light and dark nature aspects in oneself – the dark nature, in you, seems to be in conflict with the expressions of light nature and vice versa. This is the reason for feeling guilty about pleasure. Of course, guilt can also be an indication of feeling circumspect about an imbalanced behavior that you may be indulging in – so, one has to see the guilt in its right context. Guilt does not always mean that you are doing something wrong/imbalanced, it could also stem from some narrow beliefs that you may be holding. The most common reasons why people feel guilty about masturbation are

  • Holding onto to some narrow beliefs expounded by conservative religious teachers
  • A natural sense of conflict between the dark nature in oneself towards the light nature of indulging in pleasure (feeling bad about enjoying the pleasure)

Though over-indulgence is a problem, masturbation by itself is simply one of the means of enjoyment and entertainment available to you as a human being. In fact, people who have a healthy mindset towards masturbation are also the ones who have a better experience of sex, where they are aware of their pleasure points and don’t hold hang ups about their sexual nature. Also, from an objective point of view, it makes sense to relieve your sexual tension through masturbation than to indulge in an irresponsible sexual encounter driven by the over-dose of suppressed sexual energy. Also, this whole sense of guilt around masturbating, while being in a relationship, stems from a “black and white” thinking that masturbation plays “second-fiddle” to sex with your partner – in truth, the experience that you have while masturbating is very different from the experience of having sex, and each has it’s own value towards your sense of enjoyment and entertainment.

The discussion of masturbation also brings with it question of the use of sexually arousing content like pornographic literature or porn images/videos. There is very little opposition to sexual literature, but there’s definitely a lot of diverse opinion regarding the use of porn images/videos for the sake of masturbation. If there are movies made for romance (love element), movies made for action (hatred element), movies made for comedy (joy element), there are also bound to be movies made for sex and it’s a personal preference on whether one wants to use this form of entertainment. Of course it’s true that there is a lot of exploitation, and abuse, that goes on in the porn industry, especially in the unregulated sectors, and one does need to bring strident regulations, and better management, in this industry, to ensure that there is no exploitation or unhealthy practices that stay prevalent – in a well regulated industry, the performers should be strictly adults who are consenting to do so without being forced against their will. It’s a profession in its own right, with the performers making money from it, and it’s also an expression (there are people who like to share their sex videos, on the internet, purely for the sake of getting a kick from it). The stigma that’s attached to watching porn, or judging people for watching porn, is narrow in it’s own way – it’s just one form of entertainment, and, as long as it’s not made into an imbalanced pre-occupation, is innocuous.

Addiction of any form stems from a place of imbalance – be it addiction to porn or addiction to sex, or addiction to work, or addiction to love, one is not different from the other. It’s also true that watching porn can create some deluded perspectives in the mind of an immature person – for example, expecting your girlfriend to be like a porn-star is just deluded thinking, or for a girl to expect the guy to be as a hung as a porn-star is bound to create disappointments, it’s important to understand that porn caters to “fantasy”, and performers are hired to cater to fantasy. Real-life bodies, real-life sex and real-life “moves” are very different from what you fantasize about, everything comes with its light and dark, there are no “perfections” in real life – you can only imagine/create perfections in your fantasy world.

Also, there is a common tendency to feel threatened if your partner, in your relationship, has the inclination towards using porn for self-pleasure, now and then. The insecurity comes from imagining that your partner is more attracted to the porn-stars than to you, or that he/she is comparing you with the porn-stars and finding you “lesser” in some way. The truth is that, if your partner has an iota of maturity, he/she would know the difference between fantasy and reality, and hence would not draw a comparison between a porn-star and his/her real-life partner, moreover, to use porn for visual stimulation has nothing to do with “attraction” towards the actors performing in it – just like a painting can visually stimulate your sense of aesthetics, a porn movie can visually stimulate your brain’s sex centers, it’s just sexual entertainment – it has nothing to do with real-life attraction. And if you find that your partner has the immaturity of not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, then you have deeper issues to address than just his/her porn watching deal.

There is also the valid point that porn leads to the objectification of women (and possibly men also), or rather just the propagation of an imbalanced view of humans as being “sex objects”. Someone who is immature can easily come to such deluded conclusions based on the depiction in porn – for example, a guy who has had very little real-life interaction with girls can start objectifying girls as sex objects based on how they are depicted in a porn movie, thus becoming disconnected with the reality that in real-life we are “human” with human emotions and multi-faceted personalities, we are not sex robots (which is what porn usually depicts as a “fantasy”). In fact, the media plays a vital role in shaping the perspectives, and it takes some maturity to be able to differentiate skewed perspectives from reality-based perspectives. Again, it’s about having the maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment is fine as long as you understand it’s just fantasy-based, instead of drawing real-life perspectives from it. In fact, a lot of regular movies are fantasy-based, real-life romances don’t always work that way, however they are made purely for entertainment and for catering to some requirement in use to escape reality (for the relief of it), and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it’s seen in this context – the same holds true for porn, it just takes a maturity to not get deluded or imbalanced by it.

Just to add a pointer, if you are deeply offended by the very mention of porn, it could indicate a certain hang-up you might have towards sexual nature, possibly you have this “good boy/girl” stigma attached to yourself, based on some conditioning or upbringing, which has become a form of a hang-up. If you don’t want to watch porn it’s your preference, but don’t make it a harsh judgment on someone who does enjoy it in a balanced manner. Of course, there are imbalanced aspects to watching porn, just as there are imbalanced aspects to everything in life including being in love. The deal is to bring balance, and thus a maturity, towards the expressions, and experiences, that you entertain in your life. To be close-minded is as much an imbalance as it is to be recklessly indulgent – being open-minded is not a license to become over-indulgent, in fact one has to be even more responsible/conscious when one is open-minded so that one does not end up using the inner freedom as an excuse towards imbalanced behavior.

The deal of Celibacy

Some beings are attracted towards practicing celibacy either because they are bored of sex (possibly through several lifetimes of indulgence) or because they naturally feel drawn towards focusing their energy on some specific creative (possibly spiritual) goal and thus want to conserve their energy. In the post – Channel your sexual energy – I talked about developing the capacity towards “containing” your sexual energy without feeling pulled around by it. This is needed to develop a sense of power (stemming from inner freedom) towards your own sexual energy, where you don’t feel like a prisoner to it when it arises in you. However, this was not a pointer towards completely abstaining from sexual expression/release, in the form of sex or masturbation – it was just a pointer towards developing an inner freedom towards the movement of sexual energy in you, through the state of openness/allowing, by no longer fighting it, and no longer being totally identified with it. Once you develop this sense of inner freedom, you can work towards a balanced sexual expression that’s aligned with your personal sexual make-up.

Some people might feel “asexual” (sometimes called “frigid”), in that they may sense no sexual feelings, in them, at all. Of course, sexual nature is present in every living being, however it’s expression may get suppressed fully or it may not find an expression due to lack of exploration. Some people who feel “asexual” might just not be exploring aspects of what excites them – it’s possible that they get excited by some fetish or a certain kink, and their sense of guilt, or lack of awareness, causes them to disconnect with it. Abstaining from sexual activity is not some “evolved” state of being. Sexuality is a nature of life-energy, and this can’t ever be removed. In that sense, abstaining from sexual expression is, at most, a temporary practice that one may indulge in for specific reasons. Celibacy has nothing to do with being enlightened.

The deal of kinks and fetishes

A sexual kink is basically a desire for a “non-normative” sexual activity to further one’s pleasure, gratification or sense of adventure. The only way to define “non-normative” sex is to use it as an umbrella to consider everything other than the “plain old sex”. Some examples of sexual kinks are – role-playing (for ex, the partners might dress up, and act, like a slave and king), a variety of BDSM (playing out scenarios of bondage, play-acting domination and submission, indulging in masochism like spanking or mild electric shocks), cross-dressing (man dressing as a woman, or woman as a man), dirty-talk, public sex, mutual masturbation, rituals etc. Of course, one can have kinks even with respect to masturbation like using sex-toys of different kinds or cross-dressing or even cross-visualizing (where a straight man visualizes himself to be a woman in an act of sex, while masturbating, and vice versa). A sexual fetish is also “non-normative” sexual tendency, but this term is more specifically used to define sexual link-up with a certain “object” or a certain body-part, where a person finds it difficult to get aroused (or get-off) without either thinking/visualizing about it or having it present – for example, fetishes can be towards objects like foot-wear, latex-wear (like spandex etc), rubber, fur, leather, ornaments, piercing or towards certain body parts like feet, navel, under-arms etc. In a lot of ways fetishes are a subset of kinks just that they are very focused on the “objects”.

Sexuality is a nature that’s open to a lot of creativity (after all sexual energy is the essence of creative nature) and hence you see varied forms of expression in this nature in all creations of life including humans. If you don’t have sexual hang-ups, there are several ways in which you can bring a creative “freshness” to your sex-life, of course in many cases you may also need a willing partner so it makes sense to look for someone who has a good level of compatibility with your sexual nature. If you have certain kinks, or fetishes, it’s best to find a partner who is compatible with it, or someone who is open to it – to be with someone who is constantly judging you for your fetish, or kink, can be an exercise in frustration. Of course, the only reason you would end up in such a situation is when you are in resistance to your own “interests”, where you either feel guilty about it or ashamed of it. It’s important to understand that if you have a certain “interest”, or inclination, and if it’s not something that infringes on the rights of others (and is not harmful to your well-being), then it’s something you should be willing to explore in some way as it’s a part of the expression that this body was designed to have.

There are two terms which are used in the BDSM community – SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain dark natured sexual activities like play-acting domination or indulging in some masochism (getting aroused by the pain), it’s just a preference, and what sexually excites you is unique to you, what’s important is to have a sense of awareness about your actions to ensure that you are operating in a state of wisdom. Wisdom dictates that you ensure that your kink/fetish is within the safe-limits, while also making sure that you don’t end up victimizing someone who is not a willing participant in your kink – it’s very important to ensure that your partner is fully willing to participate in the kink, and is not doing so under pressure from you (or to seek approval of you). Also, it’s wise to not discuss your kinks, or fetishes, with someone who lacks an openness and may not understand it (in the section below I discuss “sexual hang-ups”, the last person you want to discuss a kink with is a person with a sexual hang-up) unless you like being termed “weird”.

The deal of spiritual sex

People who have done astral projection (where you, as a soul, consciously step out of your body and travel in the non-physical realm), or who have had out-of-body experiences, mention that sex happens even in the non-physical, and this is in tune with the fact that life-energy has a sexual nature – be it in physical form or non-physical form. Sex in the non-physical happens in the form of sexual energy exchange between souls, it’s a different experience from the physical aspect of sex where the senses can take over the feeling of energy movement. I am not into astral projection and so none of this is my personal experience, this is just something that resonates with me when I read the accounts of people who are into astral-projection and out-of-body experiences. There are practices like “Tantra” which work on the similar principle of focusing on the exchange of sexual energy without requiring physical intercourse – again, I have little, or no idea, about these practices, and have no interest in them either, however, if the idea of it intrigues you then it’s definitely something you can explore, as it has the capacity to deepen your awareness of sexual energy.

The way I see it, as long as you are physical you may as well explore, and enjoy, physicality – you will have plenty of time to explore your non-physical aspects after you die. This is the reason why I don’t feel any real interest in trying to explore non-physical experiences, like astral projection, out-of-body experiences, deep meditations, spiritual drugs or spiritual sex. Of course, it’s totally fine to indulge in spiritual experiences, while being physical, if that’s what you find interesting, but don’t do it because you think it’s some “higher” way to be – it’s just another experience. Of course, you do need to have an openness in your being, where you are not totally lost to the physicality, so that you have access to the wisdom/guidance coming from your non-physical space – this balance between physical and non-physical is necessary to be rooted in wisdom, however it doesn’t make any sense to try to detach from aspects of physicality while you are physical. Some people seem too eager to go back into the non-physical instead of understanding that there is a reason why they choose to come forth into the physical realm, mostly for the purpose of “growth” that may be required in them, which can be had, more quickly, through the opportunities provided in this realm.

Sexual hang ups

Like all natures in life, sexual nature also has a light and dark dimension to it (dark doesn’t mean negative, it’s just a label to reference the polarities – yin/yang). Some people, especially the ones who have some imbalances towards light nature, have certain hang ups towards the dark side of sexuality – basically they are stuck up on the “I am a good boy/girl” label, so stuff like dirty talk, kinkiness, fetishes, role-play, rough sex (also called caveman sex), mutual masturbation or anything that requires sexual overt-ness feels deeply uncomfortable or even shocking to them. They also have a certain “prude” attitude towards sexual behaviors of other people. Or, they may truly want to be overt/open in their sexual expression, and they might have some kinks or fetishes that they would love to explore, but they are afraid of the “bad girl/boy” label, or what’s called the “slut complex”. This form of a hang-up prevents them from connecting fully with their own sexual energy (especially the dark nature of their sexual energy). When your sexual energy is “stuck up” you are likely to attract someone who has a similar issue, basically the end result is sexual frustration and dissatisfaction. People who are sexually stuck-up have this sense of fear towards people who are open/aligned with their sexual nature, and they find security in finding someone who is equally stuck up – they are just seeking security towards their hang-up.

Sexual stuck-up-ness is unattractive per se, it closes down your charisma/magnetism in a huge way. A lot of men, and women, are afraid of being open about their sexual nature, and are sometimes even “apologetic” about it, mostly because of the “good girl/boy” complex that they hold on to – they may be considered “polite”, or even cute or nice, but they are never going to be attractive. The magnetism needed to evoke attraction is largely present in your sexual nature, if you are closed down in your sexuality you are very unlikely to evoke the primal attraction in the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your orientation). Also, to have good sex it’s very important to be “communicative” while having sex, letting your partner know what you want, what you are feeling, what you would like him/her to do, instead of just hoping that your partner gets it right. Of course, if your partner gets offended by your open communication you get to know that he/she has a sexual hang-up (reg flag alert).

I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be kinky while having sex, it may not be your style and that’s fine. It’s just that you need to be authentic with yourself about whether you are holding back on your sexual nature. Some of the behaviors present in people with sexual hang ups are as below

    • A sense of uprightness about their “good girl/boy” self image, being uppity and looking down upon people who are sexually open
    • Feeling embarrassed while talking about sex, using “metaphors” (like birds and bees) instead of being straight-forward – again stemming from the “I don’t use dirty words” aspect of the “good girl/body” syndrome
    • The tendency to not enjoy self-pleasure/masturbation, feeling guilty about it or feeling ashamed of it
    • Feeling intolerant towards sexual behavior in other people, like their kinks or fetishes. Lacking an openness to understand that different people have different sexual proclivities and find different things sexually entertaining
    • Feeling jealous, or insecure, about their partner appreciating the sexiness of another person (people who are comfortable with their sexual nature are usually not jealous of the sexiness in others; they also understand that it’s normal to feel sexually aroused/excited by the sexiness in someone, so they don’t judge their partner for it)
    • The inability to enjoy “sexual fantasies”, feeling that if they fantasize about something then they might do it in real life. For example, a woman, while shopping with her husband, at a mall, might have a sexual fantasy about a hot sales guy there and feel deeply guilty/shocked/offended at having such a fantasy in her mind, feeling that she might want it in real life or that she is being unfaithful because she had that thought. In truth, fantasies have nothing to do with real life, they are just imaginative projections of your mind – there are no boundaries to thoughts but there are boundaries to how reality works. Enjoying fantasies, in your mind, or enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment, does not mean that you would be inclined towards it in real life.

Even beyond these behaviors, there is something very obviously “closed” about people who have sexual hang-ups. Their energy seems to contains aspects of hidden anger, insecurity, touchiness, defensiveness, mostly stemming from the inner frustration of being so suppressed.

Connecting with inner freedom and balance towards sexual energy

Freedom is a pre-requisite to balance. Without having a sense of inner freedom, from a certain nature, you cannot bring a balance to it. So, the foundational step is always about finding inner freedom. The way to find inner freedom is through the state of allowing (or rather “inner allowing”), which means that you are neither suppressing nor being overly identified towards the nature until you sense that you are no longer at the mercy of it. For example, if you consider the nature of “fear”, the way to attain inner freedom from it is to allow the energy of fear fully in you, in the form of thoughts and emotions, without suppressing it or getting “influenced” by it (identified with it), just staying in an openness, or surrender – this openness will allow the energy of fear to start balancing out in you, on its own. It’s the same for sexual energy also. For a while, you will just need to work on the state of openness until you sense that you are neither fighting this energy nor are you at the mercy of this energy – this is the perfect foundation to start exploring what you would like to express, and experience, using this energy.

It does take some courage, and receptiveness, to be willing to let go of clinging to your pre-conceived notions, of your rigid beliefs, of your mental stances, of your hang ups, and just be open. For example, if anything in this post is “offensive” to you, or if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good place to work on the state of allowing instead of getting identified with your mental stance. What makes you uncomfortable is usually an indication of where your growth might lie in terms of developing an openness in your being. Once you truly have an openness you can make choices on how you specifically want to experience, or express, aspects of your nature – you will then be moving from a place of wisdom, and self-understanding, rather than from a place of hang-ups, fears, narrow thinking and delusions.

11 simple social skills that will make you more likeable

Likeability is under your control – it just takes the ability to pick up a few key skills that build emotional intelligence.

Being likeable is entirely under your control. All it takes is the ability to pick up a few key social skills that build emotional intelligence.

To help you out, we sifted through the Quora thread, “What are useful social skills that can be picked up quickly?” and highlighted our favorite answers.

Here are eleven simple ways to start crafting a “million-dollar personality” and be the most likeable person in the room:

1. Make eye contact.

“It is an idiotically simple thing, but it remains one of the most impactful life hacks around,” writes Quora user Brad Porter. “The most attractive quality in a person is confidence. But ‘be confident’ is not very good advice. Instead, find the best proxy for confidence, in terms of interactive behavior. And that’s eye contact.”

Start this habit immediately, says Porter. It requires no practice or special skill — just the commitment to meet someone’s gaze and look them in the eye while conversing.

2. Put your smartphone in your pocket.

And keep it there until your conversation or meeting is over. Basil Chiasson puts it simply: “Pay attention. Look at them. Stop what you’re doing. No interruptions.”

This is another simple, yet effective, habit that can be executed immediately and does not require any effort or skill.

3. Call people by name.

The next time someone greets you by name or uses your name mid-conversation, remember how great that feels.

If you have trouble putting names to faces, try different strategies, such as writing them down or using imagery or rhymes associated with the name. Quora userHoward Lee suggests repeating their name verbally when you’re first introduced and then twice more in your head.

4. Smile.

Don’t underestimate the power of smiling.

Additionally, laugh and tell jokes, recommends Quora user Craig Fraser. People unconsciously mirror the body language of the person they’re talking to. If you want to be likeable, use positive body language and people will naturally return the favor.

5. Give a firm handshake.

handshake.jpg

“Not too hard, certainly not limp and soft, and with no dominance play,” writes Tony Vincent.

Research shows that people decide whether or not they like you within seconds of meeting you. A firm handshake contributes largely to that first impression, as do strong posture and positive body language.

6. Listen.

Listen more than you speak, says Quora user Mark Bridgeman: “You have two ears, only one mouth. That’s the ratio you should use them with.”

7. Don’t just listen — actively listen.

Simply hearing words doesn’t cut it. Likeable people truly listen to the person they’re talking to.

Active listening requires four steps, writes Chiasson: hearing, interpreting, evaluating, and responding.

Step one requires dropping what you’re doing and paying attention. Next, “paraphrase what you’ve heard and ask clarifying questions,” she suggests. Evaluating means steering clear of quick judgment and jumping to conclusions: “Make sure you have all the pertinent information before forming or expressing an opinion.” Finally, “give feedback to let the speaker know that you heard them,” she writes.


8. Flatter people.

“This grabs people directly by their ego and is therefore extremely effective,” writes Julian Reisinger.

He suggests using conversation openers that make the other person feel like an expert such as, “You know a lot about social marketing, don’t you?” or “Do you know why I always get this error message?”

This way, you learn something new and the other person gets to feel needed. “It’s as easy as that, it’s a win-win, and it works 100% of the time,” Reisinger explains.

9. Know how to accept a compliment.

Accepting a compliment can be tricky because you don’t want to seem egotistical.

However, you also don’t want to mumble a “Thanks, you too” because that makes you seem self-conscious and socially inept.

So instead of giving phrases like “You look ten times better than me” or “It was all thanks to you,” Reisinger suggests accepting the compliment with confidence by using phrases like “Thanks! Hearing that feels really good” or “Thank you! What an amazing experience.”

 

10. If someone is interrupted, ask them to continue.

Everyone has been that person who is telling a story, gets interrupted, and then has to awkwardly stand by, wondering if anyone was even listening to you.

Milena Rangelov says you can be that person’s liberator by saying something like, “Hey, can you please finish your story about the bicycle ride? The last thing you mentioned is that dogs started following you. Can I hear the rest, please?”

You will instantly put the speaker at ease and make them feel appreciated, she writes.

11. Don’t complain.

Being around negative people is draining.

That’s why Milena Rangelov calls them “energetic vampires” — “because they suck your energy.”

Being a Negative Nancy is an instant turnoff. If you notice yourself complaining while everyone else starts to look distracted, do yourself a favor and pick a new topic.

The 100 Most Important Things To Know About Your Character (revised)

by Beth Kinderman and Nikki Walker

Quote from original Author(Beth):
This list came about when, one day while struggling to develop a character for an upcoming Hunter game, my lovely roommate Nikki looked at me and said something like, “Wouldn’t it be cool to have a list of questions you could go through and answer while you were making characters, so you’d make sure to consider all sorts of different elements in their personality?” I agreed, and that very evening we sat down over hot chocolate and ramen noodles to whip up a list of 100 appearance-, history-, and personality-related questions (which seemed like a nice even number) to answer as a relatively easy yet still in-depth character building exercise. Later on, we went through the list again, took out the questions that sucked (because there were a lot of them) and replaced them with better ones. What you see before you is the result of that second revision.

In the more recent past, we’ve also found that answering those annoying online personality quizzes in-character can sometimes lead to interesting revelations. When you find yourself sitting in front of your computer screen wondering, “Hmm, if my character was a pair of shoes, would she be stiletto heels, Nikes, Doc Martens, or Birkenstocks?” you know you’re really getting to know her (or that you’ve become an even bigger geek than you were to begin with). Emode.com and TheSpark.com are good places to start.

And, because I’ve gotten flames about it: No, we do not mean to imply that slavishly following this list is the only way you will ever truly develop your character. If you think we’re boring, obnoxious, or presumptuous, just think about the questions you like, and you don’t even have to consider the rest (yeah, we know it’s kind of a long list). Or better yet, ignore us entirely and find your own ways to develop characters.

Just don’t email us specifically to tell us how much we suck. That only results in cranky gamerchicks.

Some of these questions were stolen from the Character Questionnaire at www.roleplayingtips.com. Check it out, it’s a really great website.

– Beth

Part 1: The Basics

  1. What is your full name?
  2. Where and when were you born?
  3. Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)
  4. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
  5. Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.
  6. What is your occupation?
  7. Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.
  8. To which social class do you belong?
  9. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
  10. Are you right- or left-handed?
  11. What does your voice sound like?
  12. What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?
  13. What do you have in your pockets?
  14. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

    Part 2: Growing Up

  15. How would you describe your childhood in general?
  16. What is your earliest memory?
  17. How much schooling have you had?
  18. Did you enjoy school?
  19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?
  20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.
  21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?
  22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
  23. As a child, what were your favorite activities?
  24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?
  25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?
  26. When and with whom was your first kiss?
  27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
  28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.

    Part 3: Past Influences

  29. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
  30. Who has had the most influence on you?
  31. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
  32. What is your greatest regret?
  33. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?
  34. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?
  35. When was the time you were the most frightened?
  36. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?
  37. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?
  38. What is your best memory?
  39. What is your worst memory?

    Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions

  40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
  41. What is your greatest fear?
  42. What are your religious views?
  43. What are your political views?
  44. What are your views on sex?
  45. Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?
  46. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?
  47. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?
  48. What do you believe makes a successful life?
  49. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?
  50. Do you have any biases or prejudices?
  51. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?
  52. Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)?

    Part 5: Relationships With Others

  53. In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?
  54. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
  55. Who is the person you respect the most, and why?
  56. Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.
  57. Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.
  58. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.
  59. What do you look for in a potential lover?
  60. How close are you to your family?
  61. Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?
  62. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?
  63. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?
  64. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?
  65. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?
  66. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?
  67. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?
  68. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?
  69. Do you care what others think of you?

    Part 6: Likes And Dislikes

  70. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?
  71. What is your most treasured possession?
  72. What is your favorite color?
  73. What is your favorite food?
  74. What, if anything, do you like to read?
  75. What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)?
  76. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?
  77. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?
  78. What makes you laugh?
  79. What, if anything, shocks or offends you?
  80. What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?
  81. How do you deal with stress?
  82. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?
  83. What are your pet peeves?

    Part 7: Self Images And Etc.

  84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?
  85. What is your greatest strength as a person?
  86. What is your greatest weakness?
  87. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
  88. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?
  89. Are you generally organized or messy?
  90. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.
  91. Do you like yourself?
  92. What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…)
  93. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?
  94. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
  95. If you could choose, how would you want to die?
  96. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.
  97. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?
  98. What three words best describe your personality?
  99. What three words would others probably use to describe you?
  100. If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…)

I found this article quite helpful, until… I got bored answering those questions. I will give them a try and see how far I can go.

Enjoy… x

Meryl Streep: BBC Rape Documentary Banned by India Deserves Oscar

I thought I would share this….

Leslee Udwin’s controversial film ‘India’s Daughter,’ about the 2012 fatal gang-rape of a woman in New Delhi, included an interview with one of the rapists who blamed women.

Meryl Streep considers the controversial BBC documentary India’s Daughter, which was banned by Indian authorities in March, worthy of an Oscar.

British filmmaker Leslee Udwin‘s documentary is about the fatal gang-rape in Dec. 2012 of a 23-year-old physiotherapy student. She was attacked on a bus while returning home with a male friend after seeing the film Life of Pi at a south Delhi cinema and later died from her  injuries in hospital as violent street protests rocked India demanding more safety for women.

India’s Daughter included an interview with one of the four imprisoned attackers, Mukesh Singh, who said women were more responsible for rape than men. Clips of the interview, which were shown on some Indian news channels ahead of the film’s planned telecast on March 8, International Women’s Day, sparked outrage and ignited a social media campaign to ban the film.

Introducing the film ahead of its U.S. theatrical release in New York on Wednesday night, Streep was quoted by Reuters as saying that the film deserved an Academy Award. “I’m on the campaign now to get her [Udwin] nominated for best documentary,” she said. The Oscar-winning actress added: “When I first saw [the film], I couldn’t speak afterwards.”

Singh is on death row along with three others found guilty of the crime who are appealing the verdict. In 16 hours of interviews with Udwin, Singh, who drove the bus that picked up the young woman, said: “A decent girl won’t roam around at nine o’clock at night. A girl is far more responsible for rape than a boy … Housework and housekeeping is for girls, not roaming in discos and bars at night doing wrong things, wearing wrong clothes. About 20 percent of girls are good.”Following India’s ban of the film, at a March screening in Beverly Hills, Udwin said that opposition to her work in India is the product of misogynist cultural traditions and misplaced national pride.

““Like many countries on Earth national pride comes into the decision,” Udwin told an audiencegathered for Tina Brown’s Women in the World gathering at the Montage Beverly Hills. “I think it’s a misplaced notion. I think it has boomeranged and backfired.” She added that it “breaks my heart” that India, the world’s largest democracy, opted to engage in the very “un-democratic act” of banning a film.

India’s Daughter is set for a U.S. theatrical release on Oct. 23.

Mark Ruffalo On Casting Rejection: “I Was Rejected 600 Times Before I Booked A Role”

This is something I saw on the internet today and found it very inspirational.

He has been The Hulk in The Avengers, a memory eraser in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and a multitude of other roles in fan favourites like Shutter Island, Zodiac, Collateral, and loads more.

Like many celebrities Mark Ruffalo has faced continuous rejection. He persevered, and ended up working opposite industry favourite actors, in some of Hollywood’s biggest films.  Ruffalo’s perseverance alone was not what kept him in the game and coming back for more auditions – apparently his mother told him that he ‘…couldn’t do anything else” and “if I tried to quit she wouldn’t speak to me again.”

‘It’s been mythologized now but it started with about 600 auditions without success,’ he said about his long slog to stardom. ‘Most smart people would have quit when it takes that long.’

A key part of being an actor is managing rejection. It’s all about being professional, not taking the rejection personally, and moving on quickly to prepare for your next opportunity.

There is nothing gained by feeling terrible over spilled milk, or a botched audition. Keep moving forward, and you never know what can happen – you may just pull a Mark Ruffalo.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Mark for your motivating words!! I will keep being strong and I’m just going to let these rejections let it sting my face like a cool breeze, walking down London streets, on winter days!

Nat x

Why I love acting.

One of the main things why I love acting is because I get to live/experience other people’s lives without having to pay the price. I could be a psycho killer and kill loads f people and get away with it. But I have experienced that feeling of killing people (not that I want to kill someone -I am a born and raise catholic and this is a TERRIBLE sin for us catholics), and I’m already imagining that scary feeling.